June 28, 2005 -
White Trash and K-Mart

Sometimes at lunch, I like to leave the office and go out to eat. The problem is that there's no really good places nearby, so I'll sometimes go over to the local K-Mart and grab some snacks, then sit back in the shade of a tree in my truck and listen to the radio. The patrons of this particular K-Mart look like a cross between baboons and Cletus from the Simpsons, and that's just the women.

Now, the K-Mart that I go to has an abnormally large parking lot that is about 90% empty, so I'll park way out in the back where there is absolutely nobody around. I can sit back and relax without being disturbed -- until today.

There I am, enjoying my barbecue flavored Pringles and a cherry Coke, when I hear this rumbling. I'm leaning back in my seat without a care in the world, so I didn't notice the jacked-up rusted Ford pickup truck pulling in next to me.

Apparently, the shade from the tree I was enjoying was providing a little shade to the spot next to me, and Bubba here figured he'd park in it. There are probably 10,000 other parking spots hundreds of feet away, but this jackass decides to be my shade buddy.

I figure what the hell, I'll just go back to reading my Calvin and Hobbes comic book and ignore him. Not so easy. Bubba rolls down his window and jacks up his radio with some redneck twangy country music crap that rattles my windows. Calvin and Hobbes suddenly don't seem so funny.

Now, you've gotta ask yourself, what the hell is this guy thinking? Is he trying to start some sort of music showdown? The guy looks like he just crawled out of the bayou, and he obviously has no sense of personal space. Of course, I have no sense of courtesy in a situation like this. I rolled down my window, put in some Metallica, and jacked it all the way up. I gave hickboy a little "hello" wave and went back to reading Calvin and Hobbes. Bubba didn't seem to like this, so he drove away after a mere 30 seconds.

Barbecue Pringles are good.

June 27, 2005 -
The Day the Toilet Stood Still

Feeling: Like a hung-over Hollywood actor
Song: A spoon hitting a frying pan
Wearing: A purple Moo-Moo and pearl necklace

So, this last weekend was rather exciting. When I say exciting, I mean horrible and wrought with writhing pain. It all started with a trip to the local Italian restaurant with the wife. It's all good food, and we eat there often. However, this was a day that was destined to rule my weekend.

I got home feeling a little 'off'. I sat down on the couch thinking that something wasn't right. About 30 minutes later, I could have sworn I was in a scene from Aliens, and something was about to come shooting out of my ribcage and run down the hallway chasing my cat.

To my despair, it didn't come shooting out of my stomach. Instead, after a mad dash to the toilet, it came shooting out of my ass. I could hear its screams (maybe they were my screams, it's a bit of a blur) and it flew into the stagnant water below. It exploded upon impact with the water, and it tried reaching back up to grab me.

The smell was horrid - a mix between rotting, maggot-infested flesh and a Vietnamese prostitute's ass after dirty butt-sex. After it was all over, I felt as though I'd lost a large part of my entrails. After a quick investigation of the waters below, I was relieved to find that the invader had dissolved into a brown, ominous goo and no intestines were to be found.

Of course, after throwing a few large wads of soiled toiletpaper into the bowl and flushing, the brown waters of doom refused to journey onward. They rose to the rim of the toilet while keeping me in suspense, wondering if it would overflow or not. I got lucky, and it settled just below the rim. I got out my trusty plunger and pushed the beast back down the tunnel to hell.

I finished my business and walked out of the bathroom. I couldn't sit down for at least ten minutes as my ass recovered from the horrible endeavor it had undertaken. The worst part of it all is that the alien apparently had babies, because I ended back up in the bathroom about three more times that day - each time as bad as the first.

That's about the extent of my weekend. As you can see, I lead a very exciting life.

June 24, 2005

Song: E=MC Hawking
Feeling: Like a cow that was run over by a freight train

I've joined the geek side and made a blog. Commence array of bullets in my general direction.
You'll notice that the dates of the first couple of blogs don't match the actual blog dates. That's because these blogs were initially posted on another site and moved here recently.

So...uh, ok...I have nothing to write about today. I'm at work, early in the morning, working on a new computer for a new employee and setting it up with AutoCAD and crap. Man, this is exciting. Ok, I'm bored stiff and about to fall asleep, but at least I've still got my eyes open...or do I?