June 27, 2005 -
The Day the Toilet Stood Still

Feeling: Like a hung-over Hollywood actor
Song: A spoon hitting a frying pan
Wearing: A purple Moo-Moo and pearl necklace

So, this last weekend was rather exciting. When I say exciting, I mean horrible and wrought with writhing pain. It all started with a trip to the local Italian restaurant with the wife. It's all good food, and we eat there often. However, this was a day that was destined to rule my weekend.

I got home feeling a little 'off'. I sat down on the couch thinking that something wasn't right. About 30 minutes later, I could have sworn I was in a scene from Aliens, and something was about to come shooting out of my ribcage and run down the hallway chasing my cat.

To my despair, it didn't come shooting out of my stomach. Instead, after a mad dash to the toilet, it came shooting out of my ass. I could hear its screams (maybe they were my screams, it's a bit of a blur) and it flew into the stagnant water below. It exploded upon impact with the water, and it tried reaching back up to grab me.

The smell was horrid - a mix between rotting, maggot-infested flesh and a Vietnamese prostitute's ass after dirty butt-sex. After it was all over, I felt as though I'd lost a large part of my entrails. After a quick investigation of the waters below, I was relieved to find that the invader had dissolved into a brown, ominous goo and no intestines were to be found.

Of course, after throwing a few large wads of soiled toiletpaper into the bowl and flushing, the brown waters of doom refused to journey onward. They rose to the rim of the toilet while keeping me in suspense, wondering if it would overflow or not. I got lucky, and it settled just below the rim. I got out my trusty plunger and pushed the beast back down the tunnel to hell.

I finished my business and walked out of the bathroom. I couldn't sit down for at least ten minutes as my ass recovered from the horrible endeavor it had undertaken. The worst part of it all is that the alien apparently had babies, because I ended back up in the bathroom about three more times that day - each time as bad as the first.

That's about the extent of my weekend. As you can see, I lead a very exciting life.